Smörgåsbord

These beauties are a feast for the eyes, and binocular food it ain't. You'll be twitching to have a meal like this once you read my post.

A Smörgåsbord is always open to interpretation, but I like to keep it a little Swedish or at least leaning towards the Scandinavian. This one in particular had some Waitrose Gravlax with a mustard & dill dressing, beet root & goats cheese salad and some minty buttery potatoes.

The advantage of a meal like this is that it give's you an opportunity to rummage through the cupboards and pull everything from a jar of pickled onions to an obscure homemade relish you were given at Christmas. Just dig out some bread & cheese and that does the trick.

Most of the time this food is designed for the indecisive pecking Pigeon or the greedy Gannet. But regardless of what you gather, people will flock around the table in a feeding frenzy. Wine will be guzzled and will lubricate conversation until it becomes a gushing stream of bird song. The chorus will diminish at a similar rate to the scoff as all slip into a food-coma and an inebriated state, until they are ready to fly away and roost for the night.

I was literally LOL-ing myself to death with bird theme. I had to dry my eyes with a Teat-owl. Can someone please tell me to shut my beak.

Hare

I think I had Jugged Hare once as a child, but my mother put me off when she described the recipe.

I was watching Saturday Kitchen whist eating my poached eggs on toast and swigging my Orange juice & pint of tea. During this bland episode, I was somehow inspired to quickly get some good quality meat and cook it very slowly for a Sunday supper.


So off we cycled to Topsham and headed to Darts Farm, where the food hall is seriously good, unfortunately the restaurant is not in the same league (in a bad way).  Darts Farm also boasts a good fish 'n' chip shop, so we grabbed a couple portions of cheeky chips, and watched the Llamas do some spitting. The chips were hand cut potatoes, perfectly cooked, good stuff.


Anyhow, as I passed the butcher's block I saw a rare sight, Hare. Hares are uncommon in our fields never mind in our butchers. This creature was shot on Darts Farm for eating all the strawberries, I had to buy it.


Even the recipes are on the internet were rare, so I turned to Hugh's trusty Meat Book (highly recommended to any carnivore). If you would like to read his version click here.


Like any adventurous cook I never stick to someone else's recipe, so I did my own Oliver's twist.


1 Large Brown Hare
1 Botty Red (Something good, as it is the main liquid in the dish)
2 Large Onions
2 Stock Cubes (I like the Knorr Stock Pots)
2 blocks of dark chocolate  (optional)
1 spoon of red currant jelly (or to taste)
1 handful of Rosemary or Thyme or both
1 handful of Chopped flat leaf Parsley (again, if you want) 


1. Skin and gut the Hare and portion the into pieces (the butcher should do this for you),Soak the Hare in a bottle of seasoned red wine overnight.
2. Drain the wine and put to one side and leave the pieces of Hare to dry for a few minutes.
3. Whist this is happening, sweat off your onions or what ever veg you want to stew.
4. If you like, coat the pieces of meat in flour and fry off in a pan until golden brown.
5. Put the Hare, veg, wine, stock and herbs in a big flame proof pan and cook on a very low heat (120°C) for 5 to 6 hours.
6. If you want a thicker liquid you can add a Beurre manié (roux), but instead I would recommend a reduction by transferring some liquid into a really hot pan and boil away the water. At this point you can add some fruit jelly. I was tempted by a Strawberry jelly due to the Hare's last supper, but stuck to Red Currant, add this to taste.
7. Serve with potatoes (as you like them) and maybe some green veg.
8. I gave mother a call and she came over for some Sunday night scoff.

This meat was something special, other than watching this magnificent animal run riot around a field, I can't think of a better way to enjoy a Hare. Seriously, I gave this animal the upmost respect which it deserved, this is a glorious being so I wasn't going to wolf it down for the sake of hunger, I spent hours understanding how best to cook the meat, gain the best combination of flavours and preparing all the ingredients. I feel it was worth this animal dying for the pleasure myself, and fellow eaters gained from the meal. And if anyone feels my food was unethical in anyway please don't hesitate to get in touch, so we can resolve the matter. The sort of people who disagree with shooting wild animals for food are severely moronic idiots and should spend a bit more time on farms which use intensive methods to rear their livestock. They should also visit an abattoir and see how livestock are slaughtered, then ask the question; was it worth that pig existing for me to enjoy this poorly texured excuse for pork inside my flaccid Richmond sausage?


Or watch this - http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2273569508770398194


Vegetarians should just keep walking in their leather shoes and shut the door behind them.

Double Locks

What could be more pleasant than cycling the picturesque path along the Exeter canal on a beautiful summer evening, then to have a spot of supper at the famous Double Locks pub?


Well personally I can think of nothing better. I've had some great times at the Double Locks, it has a huge garden, plenty of seating beside the canal, a volley ball court, a BBQ, lots of local cask beers and sometimes live bands. But, yes there's a but, always a but. The Double just sucks ass. Suck shitty anus. Sucks prolapsed diarrhoea warty anus.


Where do I start. Well the clientele is a good indication on whether something is good or to your taste, the pub on a normal day attracts normal people, dog walkers, cyclists, but on any sunny weekend or bank holiday they come like flies on shit. We all know the sort of people, the sort who get sunburnt and get really shit faced, but these people don't neglect their kids, they just bring them along and shout at them.

http://www.jonathanbriggs.com/photo-blog/the-double-locks-pub-exeter,476,AR.html

Not my picture.

The other big issue with the Double Locks is the food. The lady and I both found the menu so uninspiring we ended up ordering a Jacket Potato. That is on a par with ordering a Panini. The redeeming quality of the pub is it's beer list, but when I went to order a pint of St Austell Tribute, the barrel was empty so I ordered a Bath Ale but that wasn't ready and needed to settle. So it was a pint of Grolsch Blond, which is a massive anticlimax as it turns out to be the same as normal Grolsch larger except it's not 5%, it's 4%, and certainly not a Blonde or White beer. The pub was taken over by Youngs in 2001 and has steadily gone downhill since then. Exeter's City Gate is also owned by Youngs, but always manages to deliver a great range of beers.


For a long time now the Double Locks has always been a rubbish version of the Turf Locks, which is situated just a few more miles down the Exeter canal. There was something about the whole experience that was so depressing, as the sun was going down we couldn't see any sunset and it just got very cold. The pub just felt dead, everyone looked depressed, it would have been more fun if the CHD people were hanging around with there sunburnt bodies, cunt kids and tattoos. The lady at one point said "Is there anything we can do to turn this evening around" and I replied "Yeah, we can turn around, and go home". So we did, and picked up a cheap Tempranillo and some giant cookies from the Co-Op and watched a crap film in bed. Then we both turned around and fell asleep. The End.

Sharpham

English wine has been getting better and better over the last few years, although it's still sneered at by our garlicy cousins across the channel. I know the Camel Valley wine is probably the best in the country, but the Sharpham wine does give it a run for it's money. I'm definitely biased towards Sharpham, as I grew up in Totnes and spent many days on the river Dart where the vineyard is based.

Last weekend the lady and I walked up to the vineyard for a spot of lunch and a few glasses of wine. Attached to the winery is The Vineyard Café, the food we ordered wasn't great, but it'd be unfair for me to judge it, as we only had a cheese platter. Instead, I would recommend buying some cheese from the counter at the wine shop, along with a bottle of wine, of course, and bring some bread and have your own picnic in a field on the walk back. Remember to bring a knife, I can recommend the Opinel (they do one with a corkscrew which may come in handy).


The wine I would suggest is the Bacchus, Sharpham also make exceptional cheese in a creamery next to the winery, using milk from organically farmed Jersey cows, and the best cheese is probably the brie.

It is also good fun to swing via Sharpham on your way to the beach in a red VW Polo fully loaded with firewood and camping gear, make sure there is enough weight in the car so the exhaust scraps over every bump, otherwise it's no fun. Buy some cold Bacchus and cheese from the wine shop and jump back in the car. Proceed to swig wine from the bottle whist making cheese sandwiches on the dashboard, holding a really sharp knife. So much fun.

Dough

This recipe really works for me and it seems to make the most amazing pizza, focaccia, loaves of perfect bread, stromboli or what ever I try. Have a go you bunch of cunts.




15g of dried yeast or 30g of fresh yeast (you can get fresh yeast from bakeries for about 20p and it does freeze)
650 -700ml of water (warmish)
1tsp of sugar (any kind)
50ml (3 or 4 tbsp) of E.V. Olive Oil (you can use other oils)


1tbsp of sea salt
1kg of bread flour (Tipo '00' is the best, but you can just use normal plain flour in a worst case scenario, never use self raising, it kills the yeast!)


or


Make up you own blend of flours, a bit of semolina is always good, but make a total of 1kg in weight.




1. Mix water with the yeast, sugar and oil, you may want to whisk it up as yeast love air, along with warmth, sugar and moisture. Set aside and allow the yeast to party for a few minutes. Put on some hard-house music to dance to and join in the party. Techno will also work well.


2. Sift the flour and salt into a large mixing bowl and make a well in the middle. Add the yeasty water bit by bit and mix in the flour with a fork. Or you can put all the ingredients in a mixer and mix on a slow speed for 10 minutes.


3. If you don't have a mixer. Transfer the dough, after it has come together, to a floured surface and knead the mixture with your floured hands. Keep kneading until the dough becomes elastic. Like an extremely stretchy scrotum.


4. Transfer the dough back into the mixing bowl and cover with cling-film or a wet tea-towel. Place it somewhere warm and leave to prove/proof for a hour or until the dough has doubled in size. You can place the dough in an airtight container and leave it in the fridge overnight for a slow rise. Or freeze it.


5. Once the dough is ready, transfer it to the flour dusted work surface and knock all the air out (this is called knocking back).  Them you can do what ever you want with it. Hopefully the dough will be extremely soft and wet so you won't have any trouble rolling it out, I don't even roll it for Focaccia bread, I simply spread the dough with my hands and top it with a range of ingredients. The picture below shows this style of Focaccia where I use a very wet topping of tinned tomatoes, and it really helps keep the bread moist.

But as I mentioned before, you can  make pretty much make anything with this dough and it always comes out a winner. I won't go into oven temperatures (start at 180 to 200°C) or times (the bread is cooked when it's brown and sounds hollow when tapped on the bottom), work it out for yourselves. All recipes will deliver different results and all ovens are different.






If you fancy viewing some bread making techniques check out the River Cottage Bread DVD, please have a watch (click the link to download). It's pretty basic, but shove it on your iPhone and watch it when you're bored - http://db.tt/bBwmWcU


Hope I don't get done for copyright infringement. Huge Furry-Woolyballs can suck my dick.

Rendezvous with Rendezvous

Well it was our 11 year anniversary, so we went for a meal at Rendezvous in Exeter. The restaurant or wine bar is based in Southernhay and has a kicking beer garden or wine garden. 

It was a Monday night and anyone who has read Tony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential knows not to eat out on a Monday and certainly don't eat fish on a Monday. We did both.

To start I had the Chicken Confit & Ham Hock Terrine and the Lady had pan fried Mackerel fillets in Harissa. Both were excellent, especially the Harissa as it wasn't too spicy and had an almost delicate flavour (according to Isaac the head chef, it was made with rose water and petals).

For main I had a rack of Lamb which was perfect. The lady had a Rump Streak which was very moist, although it did need a steak knife.

I was far too drunk to need a desert so I watched the Lady eat a White Chocolate Orange Crème brûlée and it looked great, incidentally, so did she.

Although the food was excellent, what really made it stand out was the quality of the wine. The sommelier really knows her shit and isn't one of those cunts who likes to embarrass simple, unsophisticated folk like myself, for example, when she poured the first wine - Honore de Berticot Sauvignon Blanc Cotes de Duras 2010 - I told her "I didn't need to test it, as screw cap wines can't be corked". She very politely told me I was wrong, and explained why. Also this Sauvignon was seriously good and although it was the cheapest wine on the menu at £14, she recommended it to us and said it was better than the expensive NZ Sauvignon, which I would normally have chosen.

The second bottle of wine was an Argentine Malbec, they're always pretty good, but this was the best I'd tasted. So after two bottles of wine we were a little tipsy and started to see weird faces in the pile of logs by our table. The faces reminded me of characters from a Studio Ghibli film. All a result of the wine goggles I think.

This restaurant can be a little on the expensive side with our meal costing around £100, but it does do a cheap set menu at £13.90 for two courses, so for a little over £40 you could have a meal for 2 with a bottle of bloody good wine. Jesus, I've spent more for a meal Pizza Express and that place if fucking dog shit piss. 

Jesus wasn't there, but I've heard he's got a great party trick. I think he can drink water, then piss wine. I love you Jesus.