Monday 28 November 2011

Town Mill

On Sunday we went for lunch at the new River Cottage Canteen in Plymouth, well I should call it a restaurant, not a canteen. It's based in the Royal William Yard which was the main naval victualling depot or in common tongue;  storage house for food and booze. The Royal William Yard should be the perfect setting for restaurants and boozers due to it's history, but it does have a bleak atmosphere, a little like a prison.

Anyway, we had a poor lunch which was mainly ruined by an aggressive tattooed American waitress who was basically a bit of a prick. But the food was just a bit lame.
 We also felt ripped off (£3 for a pathetic pot of cabbage, seriously, fuck off!). The look of the restaurant is rather good and it has a wood fired oven for all to see and get aroused. It's still not worth a visit and the Canteen in Axminster is better.




The head baker at Town Mill scoffing a scone
(always a good sign to see staff eating their own food)



So we made a swift exit without pudding or coffee because  we knew there was a Town Mill Bakery around the corner and we'd heard good things. At first this cafe/bakery was a little confusing as everything is so relaxed. Just find a seat. Grab a chopping board and help your self to the selection of baked goods which are on a stretched table top. Walk over to the barista and order your coffee (this is the only service you will receive). Sit. Scoff and reach for a mug hanging from above your head and help yourself to bottled tap water in the fridge or you can get a pressed Somerset apple juice.  Watch the head baker work away as you are surrounded by sacks of Shipton Mill flour on palettes (a fork lift probably drives straight in and dumps them there). When you've finished wolfing down your chosen delights, walk up to till and list what you had to some guy on an iPad and he'll calculate your bill. This form of honesty will obviously be exploited at some point, but I'm sure this will be a rare occasion. 
This honesty does feel great. Nothing is hidden from the customers, so when you pay for the food you should hide nothing from them.


Oh and I tried a seriously good Eccles cake and the best scone in the world, perfect texture and served with the most delicious jam & butter. Cakes and coffee are around £2 and everything else is under £5, which is amazing as the ingredients are of such high quality, the flavour is there (although the coffee wasn't very good), you get the theatre of the food being made in front of you and the place has a buzzy atmos, which is great to pick you up after a less than average lunch at River Cuntage.


Check out there blog, it has some great writing - http://townmillbakery.wordpress.com/


I like the one about Porn & Food.


If you want to visit a land of giant focaccia pizzas, enormous victoria sponges and scones the size of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's ego, then you must go. 


(Sorry Hugh, I'm just kidding, nothing personal, I know your a nice guy, but your such an easy target).

Thursday 24 November 2011

Cornered

I've just had a sexy romantic meal with my Müller Corner (Blueberry). I remember when these beasts were let loose in our supermarkets in the late 80s and people went wild for the pointess act of adding your own fruit compote, so much fun, like those crisps with a packet of salt. You were a cool kid if you had either of these in your lunch box. But if Müller really want to cash in, all they need to do is make a mini version. Sorry the cynic in me is taking over. But people really are stupid cunts. Mini Cheddars, mini Mars bars, mini Jaffa cakes = massive cunts.


Anyway I was one of those stupid cunts who lapped up the USP of the yogurt's quirkily designed pot. I fucking loved them. But it's been a while, am I still a fan?






So a I lit a glade scented candle and made this a real CHD, as those people* thought Corner yogurts were a little on the posh side. I was actually a little nervous as I was reunited with this old friend, like meeting up with an old girlfriend, if one can imagine that situation. As expected we were both a little shy to begin with, so I gently peeled back the foil and slowly licked the yogurt off her lid, a friendly greeting to break the ice. It tasted good. So straight to foreplay I went, and began spooning the Blueberry compote into the yogurt and created some flirtatious marbling. So sexy. Then we just went for it. You can imagine the rest.




* We all know who those people are!

Wednesday 9 November 2011

The Buffet

For anyone who has stayed in a Hotel, they will have encountered the delights of a Hotel Buffet. The buffet is an ingenious system used for catering on a mass scale, it causes a social awkwardness and requires a type of international etiquette, although nobody knows the actual rules. I think it's a game and the British would certainly loose at this sport, falling at the first hurdle. They go straight for the lovely looking bread and load up on the carbs, they then proceed to overload their plates with everything, I mean everything, mixing all food items and piling it as high as possible. So wrong. But the Germans are far more cunning, they select the prime cuts of cold meats and cheeses (the expensive ingredients) as all the dishes on the hot plates are normally made from leftovers. This is where you find the Brits, scoffing away like pigs at a troth with the great British mentality of 'eat as much as you can'.


But despite your nationality, the Buffet is defiantly a spectator sport, so you must get a good table with a clear enough view to see the players. Sit back and enjoy, not the food, the fun and frolics!

Obviously to watch the game of the buffet, you must get involved and actually eat something, but first you must do the walk of shame with an empty plate and begin the loading of unidentified matter. Breakfast is always easier that dinner, but on both occasions may I suggest at least one lap of the circuit. This warm up lap will enable you to suss everything out, a second lap will enable you to plan a menu in your head and then with a rolling start you can hit the floor running. If you are staying at a hotel for a few nights then you will easily sniff out the truffles when foraging the buffet forest.

Good luck.